


bittersweet always

by karasunorizaki



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Atsumu is Insecure, Atsumu is kinda Toxic, Break Up, Break Up Talk, Haikyuu!! Manga Spoilers, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, I suck at tags, I wrote this when i was kinda drunk, Implied Sexual Content, Kinda ooc sakusa kiyoomi, Komori Motoya is tired too, M/M, Miya Atsumu Needs a Hug, Miya Atsumu is a Little Shit, Non-Linear Narrative, Olympic Boyfriends, POV Sakusa Kiyoomi, Past Sakusa Kiyoomi/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Pining Sakusa Kiyoomi, Pro Volleyball Player Bokuto Koutarou, Pro Volleyball Player Miya Atsumu, Pro Volleyball Player Sakusa Kiyoomi, Pro Volleyball Player Suna Rintarou, Pro Volleyball Player Ushijima Wakatoshi, Sad Ending, Sakusa Kiyoomi has had it, Sakusa Kiyoomi is tired, Sakusa Needs a Hug, bokuaka if you squint, i live for the angst, omisuffer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:15:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28497429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karasunorizaki/pseuds/karasunorizaki
Summary: Every relationship has its ups and downs but they say if you really loved the person, you'd accept everything they are without reservations. Well, whoever said that forgot to mention that sometimes what you have to accept is whether or not everything they are is too much to handle.or Sakusa Kiyoomi realising that he's had enough (i'm so sorry Atsumu but you are an absolute ass in this)or the fic i wrote while i was drinking and i needed to get this of my chest and saw SakuAtsu as the perfect victims :')
Relationships: Bokuto Koutarou & Sakusa Kiyoomi, Miya Atsumu & Suna Rintarou, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi, Sakusa Kiyoomi & Ushijima Wakatoshi
Kudos: 20





	bittersweet always

**Author's Note:**

> Hi ! this is my first ao3 fic and i'll be posting this on my tumblr too heh
> 
> I don't think i've proofread this enough so there are probably some errors here and there :)
> 
> go scream at me or say hi to me on twitter (@_karamiya) or on tumblr (karasunorizaki) if you have the time! lil wave to my friend kaybe btw :D
> 
> But here you go this is my Angsty Hurt No Comfort SakuAtsu fic that no one asked for t may or may not have been a little reflection on my own previous relationship :') read end notes if u want to heh

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but they say that, if you really loved the person, you'd accept everything they are without reservations. Well, whoever said that forgot to mention that sometimes what you have to accept is whether or not everything they are is too much to handle.

It's so quiet that Kiyoomi can hear a pin drop but, at the same time, the noise in his head and heart feels like it can rival a thousand sirens.

 _Is this still right? is this still worth it? Should we keep going on or will that only hurt us more?_ All these questions left unsaid but taunts both Kiyoomi and Atsumu as they don't even have the heart to meet gazes.

They're only a dinner table distance away from each other but Kiyoomi has never felt so far from his tsum tsum. 

They've been like this for almost half an hour now, their luggages still at the doorway untouched. He and his Tsum tsum needed to talk.

_Tsum Tsum_. He used to never call him that. 

It was always Miya or just Atsumu you idiot before they both finally confessed their feelings to each other at the expanse of their teammates who were tired of their obvious pining for one another.

____________________

_"Oi, i may look like a tomato right now but i am not even the least bit drunk!" Atsumu raises his empty glass at Bokuto, who was the one who pointed out how Miya Atsumu gets oh so easily red after a few glasses of alcohol._

_They've been on about who gets drunk the easiest in the team and even though the whole team knows it's a tie between Hinata the low tolerance child and Bokuto the alcohol hogger, Atsumu's always won the title for the one who gets all alcohol tipsy blushy red the easiest._

_Kiyoomi, who has his signature scowl on his face, thinks Tsum Tsum’s cute but would never admit to that._

_"Did i hear that right, omiomi? did ya just call me cute?" Kiyoomi feels his world almost stop when he realizes that he blurted that he found Miya Atsumu cute out loud and curses whoever is up there for not giving him the strength to stop himself. Why oh why out of all the times he accidentally blurts out his pining over Miya, it's right when he's in front of him? Is it the alcohol? Kiyoomi never wants to consume alcohol again._

_"Puh-lease he always does that, always under his breath, behind his mask, whenever tsum tsum is doing literally anything" Bokuto says as if it was a fact, emphasising on the words literally anything because not even Kiyoomi can deny that he does indeed do that, but that's not the point. May it have been out of his tipsiness or not, Kiyoomi only wants to punch his face but he knows he'll never hear the end of it from Akaashi-san._

_But if Bokuto Koutaro valued his life he would know better than to keep exposing Sakusa Kiyoomi like thi-_

_"oh did Miya finally catch on to Sakusa's pining? ugh, finally" OH MY GOD WHAT EVEN ARE THESE TEAMMATES? Thomas groans into his hands, the rest of the team letting out howls and chuckling that echoes throughout the common area and Kiyoomi is already planning how to murder his teammates in their sleep OR maybe he'll just have himself signed over to another team, preferably onto a team that won't put him on the spot in front of his crush like this._

_Crush- hah, that sounds so childish, Kiyoomi tells himself in his head just to check that nothing is wrong with his cognitive abilities and he's still able to speak to himself in his mind because he still can't believe that he blurted that out in front of Atsumu._

_He'd been doing so well with just Bokuto or Hinata or even Captain Meian catching onto the muttering of a pining Sakusa Kiyoomi, but all that's thrown out the window apparently._

_"Omi's what?" Atsumu the oh so ever oblivious boy blushes to the tip of his ears, head tilting to the side a little bit and it's as if all the annoyance in the world disappears for Kiyoomi and goddamnit not even the gods above (or more realistically, Atsumu's own twin brother) can tell him Atsumu looks stupid when he blushes like this because he's so extremely cute in his eyes and only Atsumu will ever have this kind of effect on Kiyoomi and he's trying so so so s o hard not to let that show right now even though he feels like he's going to combust-_

_"I think it's time they finally discuss about pining over each other in private, boys" with a smug expression on his face, Bokuto is able to file each of the members of the msby out of their shared living room and retreat to their own bedrooms._

_So he wasn't just tipsy, he was being the sly ass Kiyoomi knows he's always been. Oh he's so getting it, Kiyoomi might just 'accidentally' spike a ball to Bokuto's head during the next practice._

_If Atsumu were to still set to him after this, Kiyoomi is already calculating in his head how much force he had to put into a spike to really get back at the black and silver haired man. He watches each of the members of the team give him a small nod, if it was out of approval or a small cry for forgiveness for riding along Bokuto's shenanigans, Kiyoomi doesn't want to know._

_But right now, he feels like he's frozen when left alone in the presence of someone he's been undeniably been pining for the past few months. Miya Atsumu in all his glorious blushing state looks at him with an expression Kiyoomi can't read but he feels so vulnerable and the ice in his veins melts and now he feels like he's sweating._

_Ah, crap. Am i sweating? Do I smell? Can he hear my thoughts? Why is he not saying anything? Why am I not saying anything? Sakusa Kiyoomi, say something for the love of everything good in life you can't just call Atsumu cute and act like a fish out of wa-_

_"Tsum tsum" the silence is first broken by Atsumu and even in his blushing tomato looking state, his expression softens and goddamnit did kiyoomi blurt that out loud again "it's the first time you called me Tsum tsum and i think i like it and I like you"_

_"Well it's a fitting nickname for- wait" what? did he hear that right? or was it the inner demon in Kiyoomi supplying him with stupid thoughts like this again "did you ju-"_

_And Kiyoomi barely has any time to process anything that's happening but all he knows is that Atsumu's lips are as soft as he's been imagining, sweet with a tinge of bitterness presumably from the alcohol they've been consuming all night and his warm palms cupping his cheeks are soft and holding Kiyoomi like he's so fragile and Kiyoomi has to mentally slap himself to try and at least reciprocate the kiss because Miya Atsumu is kissing him._

_OH MY GOD THEY'RE KISSING, Kiyoomi's inner demon doesn't even have the creativeness to make this a figment of his imagination._

_"I'm sorry i didn't ask first" is what atsumu says when he breaks away from the kiss, his breath fanning over Kiyoomi's lips and his eyes half closed._

_Is he still staring at my lips? Kiyoomi thinks he is and he can't even deny that he himself is doing the same thing but with Atsumu's lips._

_"It's just that i've liked ya for a while and i'm not good with words and the way the others said how you've pined over me so i kinda assumed-"_

_"I like you too, yeah" Kiyoomi finally says and it feels like a weight has been lifted from his chest from the months and months and months of harbouring feelings for one (1) Miya Atsumu "i don't think i'm good with words either"_

_So they take that as a sign to have their second kiss of the night, one with a little bit more passion and it's more intoxicating than the alcohol. So what if they aren't good with words? They're finally able to start their love story and it's all because Sakusa Kiyoomi was finally called out on for his pining._

_Who needs to be good with words when Miya Atsumu is so good at kissing?_

____________________

Ironically though, the thing with relationships is that you have to be good with words. With each other, at least. People don't say ' _Communication is key_ ' for nothing after all.

Yet here both Atsumu and Kiyoomi sit opposite to each other without any vocal exchange, again, for the past hour. Both their hearts are screaming at the other, wanting to just be in each other's arms again and hold each other, giving each other kisses and make love and have everything be okay between them

But things aren't okay between them.

They haven't been for a while and Kiyoomi knows this. Atsumu, still _tsum tsum_ in Kiyoomi's heart, knows this. Things have been extremely toxic and they've been putting temporary bandaids to problems that can't always be solved with fucking and the on and off again thing.

When this started, Kiyoomi doesn't know. But he knows when he finally realised that whatever they have won't last or why it won't last, he remembers it well but just because he realised it then doesn't mean he was ready to accept it. 

He loves Atsumu with everything he is, he can't just easily accept that maybe the stars aren't aligned for them.

____________________

_"When are you going to stop acting like a child and actually talk to me about this?" Kiyoomi is furious, fingers running through his hair as his gaze pierces through Atsumu's thick skull and he won't even turn his head to look at him "We lost a fucking game and he just made sure i was okay, Atsumu"_

_The name tastes so bitter on his tongue. Tsum tsum or Tsumu, it always was. But he doesn't have the heart for it now._

_"If he brings you so much fucking comfort then maybe you should just run to him instead" even with his childish murmuring, the silence of Kiyoomi and Atsumu's dorm in the olympic village gives him the advantage of hearing Atsumu's words_

_"I understand that you're feeling this way because he's my ex, Atsumu. But we're literally on the same olympic team and it's out of my control. Am i seriously not allowed to even breathe around Waka- Ushijima-san?"_

_Kiyoomi understands Atsumu and his insecurities. Understands it all too well by now._

_He knows his boyfriend inside out and from the months and months of trying to help him through it because he's holding onto Atsumu's promise to 'change his habits' of being so harsh with his words when he has his moments and this is the moment during every argument they have where Kiyoomi is holding his breath, he doesn't want to fight._

_He's hoping Atsumu realizes when he's being extremely irrational or knows when he gets on Kiyoomi's nerves._

_Because Kiyoomi's never been one to stand down, yeah sure he was taught by his mother to be wise in picking his fights and to defend himself when necessary but goddam does Atsumu and his moments rile Kiyoomi up so bad or maybe Atsumu makes Kiyoomi feel like he always has to defend himself._

_Atsumu, the person who is supposed to be his partner, his number one supporter, the person who he doesn't need to be defending himself to. Yet he feels like he has to every single time._

_Maybe Atsumu brings out the worst in Kiyoomi._

_"Ushijima-san my ass. I know you call him Wakatoshi-kun. I know you've been spending extra time with him the past few weeks and don't even get me started on the fuck-me eyes, Kiyoomi" Atsumu's fuming as he rambles, fist clenched at either side as he's finally faced his boyfriend for the first time since they came into the room._

_"Fuck-me eyes- are you serious right now? Like i had just literally said, we're on the same olympic team and that's out of my control. He's the team captain and everyone looks at him with adoration, Atsumu, but fuck-me eyes? that's just ridiculous. Additionally, what Ushijima-san and I had was way back in highschool! How are you still not over that?" Kiyoomi isn't usually a man with many words but as he's found out ever since the first argument he and atsumu had, he's been non stop preparing long speeches in case of times like this "We should be endlessly celebrating the fact we're on the same olympic team but here we are arguing and we have been since the day you found out the line up for this team! I only have eyes for you, goddamnit! My heart is yours only the same way your heart is mine. Always. That's our promise, remember?"_

_Kiyoomi can hear the desperation in his own voice and it's making him cringe. Lately, he's been subconsciously keeping tally of all the times he sounds like a wounded animal in front of Atsumu._

_To Kiyoomi, this means when he's practically pleading the other to just stop being such an ass._

_"Frankly, i don't feel like your heart is only mine" Atsumu huffs out and at any other time Kiyoomi would think he looks adorable with his cheeks puffed out like this but there are tears pricking at Kiyoomi's eyes because Atsumu is always like this._

_It feels like they're the most perfect couple in the world when they aren't arguing, always promising each other that they're only theirs._

_Always, they make sure that the other remembers. But it feels like Atsumu completely throws all that out the window when any man nay- any PERSON comes near kiyoomi and kiyoomi feels so suffocated._

_It's all thrown out the window when Atsumu, out of no where, picks fights with Kiyoomi over some stupid thing that they should have been over for months now._

_It's all thrown out the window when Atsumu chooses to act like a complete child paired with the biggest asshole in the world, throwing curses at Kiyoomi._

_It's all thrown out the window when Kiyoomi calls Atsumu out on his asshole act and instead of listening to him, Atsumu chooses to become even more of an asshole and Kiyoomi is so out of words for how frustrated he is with the person he loves the most because he's been trying so hard for so long and it only feels like it's getting worse._

_"Why do i always feel like i have to keep proving myself to you? We've been together for how long, atsumu? Almost 2 years now? Where's the promise you made me? The one where you said you'd at least try to change your toxic trait of being so harsh when you get insecure because you know how your words can seriously hurt me? Or the one where we'd both be compromising for each other when we encounter a road bump? You were the one who told me you wanted to change and, being the supportive boyfriend i am for you, i'm trying to help you do just that but it feels like you don't even want to change for yourself." Kiyoomi can hear his pulse and his chest feels tight. Kiyoomi isn't usually a sensitive man, he can take a few punches to the gut from other people but Miya Atsumu has become his weakness and unfortunately also the person who's able to hurt him the most._

_"So what, you want me to change then? Suddenly i'm not enough for-"_

_"For fucks sake, that's not what i'm trying to say, atsumu! That's never what i'm trying to say. We're in a relationship, it's a give and take. I accept that you have your insecurities and i've changed what i can about me when i can about that to fit your needs, always reassuring you when i need to but you also have to do your part and know when things are out of my control." Kiyoomi's voice cracks and he wants to stop talking but he knows he can't just stop there "This is our what? millionth time fighting about Ushijima? Billionth time fighting about things i can't control like people being around me? How will we work if you don't seem like you want to at least help me out on working on your insecurities?"_

_Kiyoomi knows he's being a little overdramatic with the numbers but he knows that he has to be, being with such a drama queen of a boyfriend._

_"Well maybe we shouldn't work. Maybe we should just break up again. Maybe you keep feeling like you have to prove yourself to me because it just isn't enough anymore. Hell, maybe you should just strut back to Wakatoshi-kun, I'm sure he won't make you feel like you're inadequate since he brings you so much comfort. Maybe you should accept the fact that i'm always going to be like this and if that's not for you, then maybe fuck this relationship" and as soon as the words leave Atsumu's mouth, Kiyoomi can see the regret in his eyes but it's too late._

_That's all out there now._

_"Atsumu, that's enough" the voice of Suna snaps Kiyoomi out of his trance and he realizes that he's full on crying now._

_And even like this, Kiyoomi is thinking of ways to defend Atsumu to Suna, who is Atsumu's high school teammate so he should know Atsumu better than anyone, yet he still wants to apologize for him and for making so much noise in their dormitory from all the arguing he's sure he's kept the whole japan national volleyball team awake from their screaming and even for not realising they didn't lock the door on their way inside due to all these intense emotions._

_But all Kiyoomi can think about is how Atsumu's past the point of no return–again._

_The little hope Kiyoomi holds out for Atsumu during every argument has been squashed into nothing and Kiyoomi's already beaten up heart feels so so heavy._

_"Omi, i didn't mean that. Wait-" Atsumu tries to reach out for Kiyoomi but right now Atsumu feels like fire and Kiyoomi doesn't want to get burned so he steps back, tears still streaming down his face because this is the final straw._

_There may have been months and months and months of happiness and carefree love between them but there have also been the same amount of months and months and months of crying and arguing for the two and Kiyoomi has had it._

_Kiyoomi is so tired of Atsumu being like this._

_Kiyoomi is tired of them being like this._

_Kiyoomi is tired of this._

_"I think it's best if we talk when all of this is over, Atsumu. You're right. I've been so accepting of your insecurities and working around it but maybe i've been accepting the wrong thing." Kiyoomi is thankful that Suna has stepped in between them because he knows that he'd run back into atsumu's arms if he weren't there._

_Every other argument would end up in just fucking and pretending it never existed or it would end up with Kiyoomi going the extra mile into compromising for his lovely boyfriend and it's taking so much of Kiyoomi's energy._

_"Omi-"_

_"Don't omi me now, atsumu. I'm going to ask if Bokuto can switch with me for the night and i will see you when all of this is over" He's surprised he's able to even have the strength to resist Atsumu right now, what with all him suddenly going soft on Kiyoomi._

_He's always like this though, says the most hurtful things then goes soft and acts like i should pretend he never said anything. This repeated cycle of having to throw away Atsumu's hurtful words even though he ponders on them for so long was chipping away at Kiyoomi's sanity._

_"You can take my spot, Sakusa-san. I'll stay with Atsumu. I room with Aran, if that's okay with you" Suna suggests as he turns his head to look at him, they both somehow know what the other is thinking– Atsumu is okay with Aran, he won't cause a huge fit if Sakusa stays in the same room as Aran._

_The fact that even at the height of all this emotion, Kiyoomi still has to think about what Atsumu won't cause another fight over, makes his head hurt even more._

_"Thank you. It'll only be for this last night" Kiyoomi pushes past Suna so he could pick up a couple of his things and in the corner of his eye he can see Atsumu being held back by his friend, Atsumu's watchful eyes following Sakusa picking up whatever things he'd need for their last day for the medal giving ceremony._

_"i'll come back for the rest of my things tomorrow before everyone packs up"_

_Atsumu can only silently nod because he knows that in the short amount of time that he spewed out daggers at his omi and right now, saying anything else would only further cause the rift between them to widen- as if staying silent would magically make up for the months and months of hurting they've caused one another._

_Kiyoomi wordlessly leaves the room, unable to stop the tears spilling from his eyes as he tries to remember which room Suna and Aran stay at, a small duffle bag slung on his shoulder whose weight pales in comparison to how heavy Sakusa's heart feels at the moment._

_Omi is tired of this._

____________________

Things are still tense between the two lovers during the present as they still stay silently seated opposite to each other, pride probably in the way of them talking things out.

 _I want to just hold him, i want him to kiss me silly again, i want us to make love even just for one last time_. Kiyoomi's heart is going bat shit crazy in his ribcage from the lack of attention and care from Atsumu (and himself, he thinks) and it's taking so much of Kiyoomi's life force to keep a straight face in front of Atsumu because he will not be the first one to crack.

In all their arguments, he likes to think he's always been the more level headed one between them. Always the one to be the ice breaker, always the one to have to compromise too. 

And it's finally come to the point where Kiyoomi has developed so much mannerisms and ticks and fears and insecurities about himself, most of which he didn't even know he had in the first place. 

He's come to a point where he has to always cut conversations with his friends short especially if its someone he knows Atsumu can get easily jealous of. 

He's come to a point where doesn't even open up to Hinata or Bokuto anymore. 

He's come to a point where he doesn't even want to go out by himself anymore, scared he'd piss off his boyfriend.

Months of arguing have lead up to this. Months of screaming at each other, not getting anywhere emotionally before deciding to fuck it lets just have angry sex and pretend nothing's wrong in the morning.

____________________

_During the first months of their relationship, waking up next to each other with the sunlight spilling through the blinds especially after a night of love making felt like absolute bliss, arms protectively wrapped around the other with their breathing as the only sound heard from one another._

_Jet black eyes would meet with piercing golden brown ones Kiyoomi would always get lost in and, with the faintest smile traced with nothing but sleepiness, they'd just almost telepathically tell each other '5 more minutes' but that could also easily translate to 'i wanna spend more time with you like this. i love you'_

_But it's been months since they found themselves lovingly tangled with each other in bed, and the sunlight that spills through the blinds feels harsh and scorching hot as they lay next to each other but with their backs facing their lover._

_Kiyoomi can feel the sting of Atsumu's scratches on his chest and shoulders, the heat of blooming dark purple hickies on his neck and bruises on other parts of his body, his bones aching from the rigorous fucking they did from last night._

_It stings more than usual, and Kiyoomi guiltily disgusted with himself._

_'Angry sex again, huh?' Kiyoomi thinks bitterly as he musters up whatever strength he has left to be able to get through the day. This seems like a routine to them by now. Atsumu somehow magically– and quite annoyingly, to Kiyoomi's misfortune– will find something to argue about, they start screaming at each other, then they fuck._

_'When was the last time Atsumu made love to me?' There's tears prickling at Kiyoomi's eyes as he turns his head to check on his sleeping boyfriend._

_He has the same marks Kiyoomi has, red angry scratches lining his skin and hickies and bruises blooming at various parts of his body. He's no better than him in this toxic cycle._

_If they don't end up fucking, it's either they decide to call it quits, ignore each other for a few days or weeks then find each other unable to resist and they fuck it out OR Kiyoomi, out of desperation, will come up with a compromise (one that's a compromise on his part mostly) just to be able to save the relationship._

_This isn't healthy anymore. They can't keep doing this. But whenever Kiyoomi tries to think of what they could do just to save the relationship, he comes up empty._

_He's tried everything._

_He's opened up to Atsumu about his really toxic ways, how he tends to be really passive aggressive and how that's counterproductive in their relationship._

_Kiyoomi has tried asking friends for help, that only made atsumu throw a fit, saying that omi is trying to make atsumu look bad to everyone else– which irritated Kiyoomi because, hello? he was only trying to ask them for help, something Kiyoomi ever rarely does because he likes to think he's very independent and capable of handling his own problems, but being with Atsumu has pushed him to do a lot of things that's so out of his character in the name of saving their relationship._

_Kiyoomi even tried to suggest couples counselling, but he got so scared of even bringing it up to Atsumu to his face in fear of it starting another fight._

_It's gotten to the point that Kiyoomi will try to avoid ANYTHING that would start an argument, which he finds extremely draining on his part, especially when Atsumu still finds something to argue about._

_Kiyoomi doesn't even remember what they fought about last night. Hell, Kiyoomi doesn't remember the last maybe 20 fights they had the past few months. It's just been a cycle of something ticking Atsumu off or something he'd find, even the most completely ridiculous thing such as some stranger locking gazes with Sakusa for a little to long, then they'd start screaming each other's heads off._

_It was about the olympics, Kiyoomi tries to remember, or at least it was something related to that. They got the news earlier that day about being olympic boyfriends and Kiyoomi wanted to celebrate but for some reason Atsumu had been in such a foul mood, when he finally revealed that it was because Wakatoshi-kun, 'Omiomi's oh so handsome and amazing first love', was also in the line up, Kiyoomi blew a fuse from the amount of irritation that built up because all he wanted was to celebrate being olympic boyfriends for fucks sake and this is what Atsumu's gonna focus on?_

_But there was a lot of screaming. A lot of threatening, mostly from Atsumu and his passive aggressive tendencies._

_"Then fucking leave, if that's what you want. You've been waiting for me to fuck up this whole time anyways so you could get out of this, right?" Atsumu's words will always sting Kiyoomi no matter how many times he'd encounter them– and believe him, it's quite a lot– because why would Kiyoomi ever want for Atsumu to mess up? Atsumu is everything he'd ever hoped for outside of volleyball._

_He doesn't even want to remember whatever speech he gave to atsumu after he said that because it's all the same thing to Kiyoomi now. He's always felt so inadequate whenever they fight like this. And it's not like he tried to fight these thoughts. Of course he has._

_Atsumu is the sweetest when they're okay. Atsumu is the most thoughtful. Atsumu is funny and is the only person who can make one (1) Sakusa Kiyoomi actually giggle. Atsumu is oh so determined in everything he does especially in volleyball and Kiyoomi's always admired him for that._

_But the moment atsumu's insecurities seep in, which have been more often than not the past few months, everything just turns to absolute shit._

_"Goodmorning, omi" Kiyoomi almost jumps at the feeling of atsumu's lips on the skin of his shoulders and ah they're pretending to be okay again and, like the good boyfriend he is, Kiyoomi turns his head to greet his tsumtsum with a kiss to his temple, the sickly sweet tone of his own 'good morning, tsumtsum' causing him to inwardly cringe._

_It's only a matter of time until he snaps, he's guessing._

____________________

"Atsumu-"

"Omi-" they call for each other at the same time, the first things they've said the whole night, and atsumu lets out a soft sigh "It's really 'atsumu' now, huh?"

Kiyoomi doesn't say anything. He doesn't have the energy to even call him Tsumu or Tsumtsum because kiyoomi is just tired– he's finally snapped.

"This isn't gonna be one of those break ups where we get back together after a few weeks of ignoring each other, is it?" he can hear the tremble in Atsumu's voice and oh my god he wants to go up to him and hug him and kiss him and tell him everything between them is going to be all right.

But Kiyoomi knows if he does that, it's just be him lying to both of them. He loves Atsumu, loves Atsumu just as much as he loves his career and his friends, all a different special place in his heart but the love is definitely there. 

He loves Atsumu so much that he doesn't want to let him go, but he knows he needs to.

It's something he knows he has to do. To let this go, a decision he's been absolutely trying to avoid because he doesn't want to lose his Atsumu. But Kiyoomi is starting to lose himself in the process and he can't let this continue any further. 

It has to stop.

"I've had enough of the straight up verbal abuse in this relationship and i've been so stupid to keep defending you to everyone. I've defended you to our friends, my family, your own family and even to myself. I love you and i love you so much but you're right, Atsumu" Now Kiyoomi can feel the tremble in his own voice but he braces himself, taking in a shaky breath before continuing "This isn't going to be like our other breakups anymore"

All this was directed toward Atsumu but Kiyoomi knows he needed to really vocalise it so he himself could hear his own words and actually believe it.

Atsumu's eyes are locked in on him and at any other given time Kiyoomi would feel absolutely small under his gaze like this when it's all intense and serious, but right now he's looking at Atsumu and his gaze looks so hollow.

And he knows that it's because it's finally getting through to Atsumu, what this is all about.

 _They aren't healthy for each other anymore_.

Because yeah, every relationship has it's ups and downs. And yeah they say if you really loved the person, you'd accept everything they are without reservations, but whoever said that forgot to mention that sometimes what you have to accept is wether or not everything they are is too much to handle.

And it's become _very_ clear to the both of them what they have to really accept– they aren't made for one another, not when they're like _this_. 

Not when, even after months of trying, Kiyoomi still cries himself to sleep because of his developed insecurities of himself due to feeling so inadequate for Atsumu.

Not when, even after a million tries of talking about it, Atsumu will refuse to stand down and still continue on his passive aggressive insecure little man ways.

Not when, even after defending Atsumu in his honour to his friends, everyone (mostly Hinata, Bokuto, and Komori) can see and will point out the tiredness in Kiyoomi's eyes when they have alone time with him.

_“I’m not even going to ask because i already know” Komori had told him one time, referring to the redness and puffiness of Kiyoomi’s eyes, during brunch after a night of arguing with Atsumu over something Kiyoomi doesn’t even have the energy to try to remember._

They're both at an age wherein they'd like to believe that they've gone through a lot in life already, both together and separately. Maybe Kiyoomi will always get a little too sensitive and hurt over Atsumu's words and maybe Atsumu will never stop letting out those words that feel like ice cold daggers to Kiyoomi's heart. 

It's time to finally face things for what they are.

Wordlessly, Atsumu gets up from his seat and walks over to Kiyoomi, who finds himself on his feet as well, the tiniest fear of another scream fest striking his heart but Atsumu only reaches down to hold his hands.

And oh how Atsumu's hands feel so _cold_ right now, the tips of his thumbs that Kiyoomi used to kiss only after atsumu washes his hands now gently caressing over kiyoomi's knuckles. These hands that fit so perfectly in his feel so cold right now and Kiyoomi can hear Atsumu take in a deep breath.

"I really put you through all that, huh?" he sniffles, obviously trying to fight back the tears that threaten to spill from his eyes, very opposite to Kiyoomi who's always been so vulnerable in front Atsumu, tears already blurring his vision "Maybe we really have been accepting the wrong things about each other all this time"

Kiyoomi finally agrees with what Atsumu is saying, _fucking finally_ they're on the same page. Unfortunately for them, it's at the end of what they everyone thought would be a beautiful relationship if things had gone differently.

"Not that you don't deserve to be accepted flaws and all, but i've lost all hope that the person who does that for you is me" and curse the tiny hiccup that Kiyoomi lets out at the end of that sentence, he has to be the strong one in this. 

He's the one finally letting all this go no matter how painful it is for the both of them, because he loves Atsumu so much he doesn't want to be selfish anymore.

Atsumu finally lets his tears fall, a huge contrast to the hearty chuckle that rumbles from his chest. He's laughing at my hiccup, that fucker– and Atsumu lets go of one of Kiyoomi's hands to cup his cheek.

"Can i at least have one final kiss?" Atsumu's signature smug smirk paints his expression and as much as Kiyoomi wants to punch this man right now, he knows his heart will threaten him to stop beating if he doesn't relish in the love of Miya Atsumu for one last time.

And that's what they do. They have one final kiss, until it becomes another, and then another, each one more passionate than the last. It's sloppy, and quite salty from the tears their both letting spill from their eyes but neither give a shit about it right now because they both know this is the last time they're going to be in each other's presence like this.

Atsumu is gentle with Kiyoomi the same way Kiyoomi is gentle with Atsumu that night, both spilling their heart out at each other through actions. There's no harsh biting, no scratching down each other's backs, no gripping at the other's hips or shoulders so hard bruises would form and they're able to say they made love for the last time even if it meant they were saying goodbye. It's bittersweet, really.

And so Kiyoomi wakes up the next morning with an ache through out his whole body, similar to the kind of ache after every angry sex session they'd have but completely different in effect, but that ache pales in comparison to how much his heart misses the warmth of Atsumu's body on their bed– he knows it's empty. 

He knows because Atsumu's warmth is the first thing his hands sought out to only to be greeted with cold, empty sheets.

 _He didn't even stay they night,_ Kiyoomi's brain supplies him as the space in the bed was cold and barren of any trace of a Miya Atsumu.

His heart aches because he and Atsumu are finally over. But also, he can't help but notice how the weight on his shoulders feel like it's disappeared and he knows it's because _he and Atsumu are finally over_.

 _Miya Atsumu and Sakusa Kiyoomi were always meant to cross paths_ , Kiyoomi tells himself. They were meant to meet at some point, make stupid promises to each other like _always_ and they were meant to share love. But they both now know that no matter how much fight you put into keeping each other from drifting away, if you aren't meant to be together in the end, _you'll just have to accept it_.

He'll always love Miya Atsumu. He knows that. Unlike the fleeting high school puppy love Ushijima Wakatoshi and he shared all those years ago, which was in all honesty quite pleasing to look back at because it was innocent and bright and everything a teenager should experience at least once in their teenage lives, the love he has for Miya Atsumu was intense and both calming and irritating.

The love he has for Atsumu is ever consuming and he doesn't mind that. It's a kind of love not everyone is required to experience, but Kiyoomi is still thankful that he did. Things were always intense both in the best and the worst way and it may have lead to the demise of their relationship, but he'll always be thankful for one (1) Miya Atsumu.

 _Miya Atsumu will forever be his bittersweet always_.

**Author's Note:**

> Like i said, Hurt No Comfort and i'm so sorry Atsumu is such an asshole in this jdhfskdfhakd but yeah
> 
> this is the first thing i’ve posted on here and i just really wanted to get this out ‘cause this is kind of a reflection and is very similar to my last relationship (excluding the parts where i’m a pro volleyball player ofc lmao) so i kinda just wrote this from experience (i’m sentimental like that) and am currently on a sakuatsu brain rot roll recently so :// im so sorry atsumu ik ur not this big of an ass pls
> 
> again go scream at me or say hi to me (or let me know what you thought about this fic, i'd love some feedback) on twitter (@_karamiya) or on tumblr (karasunorizaki) if you have the time!
> 
> I hope you guys liked it though i have a lot of fics i've been planning to write for quite some time now and i'm slowly making my way through them ://


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